In EastEnders this week, little Tommy Moon played down the disaster that was about to befall the Square, saying: “The twins have done something terrible.”
Because it was a worse disaster than he or any of the other rags on the show ever thought possible.
They invited Shane “Alfie Moon” Ritchie is backwithout the Daz pack, but armed with a dangerously open-ended question for Kat Slater: “What’s going on here?”
Well, where do we begin without mentioning the catastrophic drop in ratings?
But I guess the short answer is “Same shit, different names.” Because if a woman hangs around Walford long enough, she will eventually have to marry Phil Mitchell. And on Monday it was to be Kat’s turn.
News that surprised Alfie almost as much as it saddened him, as he was last seen on EastEndersin 2019, Phil threatened to kill Kat.
However, if he is to survive this hellhole, Alfie will soon have to get used to the fact that not only Kat, but the entire E20 postcode is suffering from mass amnesia.
To give just one example: last month Ranveer Gulati was beaten to death by his son Ravi’s watch while trying to rape Suki Panesar, but was then forgotten about like McClunky’s Chicken Shop and Queen Vicmixed football team.
There hasn’t been a single mention of him since, let alone an investigation by Walford Plod, who must have had his hands full considering that in recent weeks Ben had also been raped and Frankie’s teacher had been sexually harassed by a random man who has no relatives. to a group of boys who sexually harassed her at school or another group of men who sexually harassed her at a restaurant on Wednesday.
Frankie assured us that the plague of assaults and lectures would continue until: “Boys get an education.”
An unusual way to try to attract younger viewers, but hopefully you get the idea?
EastEnders was in another frenzy of righteous anger when real life intruded in the saddest way last week, with death of the queen. One of those seismic national events that forced the show to do a late slot. Personally, I always dread such moments as they are usually dictated by football, which is another working-class passion that EastEnders clearly despises.
So it’s either dialogue that feels more like a Pathé newsreel, or a scene that incites horrendousness, like the women’s conga around The Vic that celebrated England’s win at the Women’s Euros.
A dangerous task fell on Monday Cathy Beale and Denise Fox, who had some wistful discussions with the series’ iconic royalist Lynda Carter, whose love of the royal family is treated in the series as an eccentric quirk rather than the natural order of things as it is in real London.
Just at that moment I thought EastEnders had screwed things up and started doing things, but something quite unexpected and magical happened. Linda posted a photo of Elizabeth II in front of a bust of Queen Victoria and simply said, “Look at her, won’t you.” In terms of feeling and economy of words, it could hardly have been more beautifully appreciated or touched upon.
However, the reason it had an extra impact was that this time EastEnders was guided by the precise instincts of its viewers, who, as last week’s incredible scenes demonstrated, are driven by a deep sense of patriotism and love for the Queen.
This is highly unusual for the BBC1 soap, which has recently given every indication of viewing the working class as sexist, racist, homophobic monsters who, without their continued oppression, would spawn right-wing terrorist cells such as Aaron Munro’s gang, which tried to undermine the since-forgotten Walford Mosque at the turn of the year.
It would be nice to think that Monday marked the moment when EastEnders stopped hostilities, stopped seeing all men as s***** and women as their long-suffering victims who inexplicably admire Phil Mitchell.
But the last time I checked, Kat’s wedding was back and Tracy, the silent barmaid at the Queen Vic, had just declared that Phil was, “The best sex I’ve ever had.”
On that bomb. . .
Ferna is not a glamorous mom…
A showdown for the ages in Sunday’s series Celebrity SAS: Who dares wins.
On one side was Mark ‘Billy’ Billingham, MBE, Warrant Officer First Class, who served his country for 27 years and was awarded the Queen’s Gallantry Award.
Tovi on the other hand Fern McCann, which successfully garnered eight stars during I’m A Celeb’s Panic Pit’s Bushtucker Trial back in 2015. While a contest, it ended the moment Billy hit her with those curved swords, “Who are you? And what are you doing?”
Two questions that go to the heart of one of SAS: WDW’s biggest issues. Because on the one hand, you have a voiceover insisting that 14 celebrities are “leaving their glamorous lives behind.”
On the other hand, you have Fern, along with other unknowns like Pete Weeks, Shannon Courtney, Ashley Kane and Jonathan Broome-Edwards, who leave nothing to be desired. Plus former Brookside actress Jennifer Ellison, who didn’t help the audience much by admitting, “I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing.”
However, unlike Fern, who tried to brag to Billy, Jennifer doesn’t have the monstrous showbiz ego, but she still has the same tiresome capacity for self-pity as all the young contestants, claiming: “Over the past 11 years, . it’s almost like Jennifer Ellison’s switch has been turned off.”
Click. 11 years and 37 minutes.
CELEBRITY SAS: Whoever dares wins: “My name is Fern McCann and I guess I’m like a TV presenter.”
Then guess again.
FIRST TIME Mom by Fern McCann: “I’m almost like the poster girl for a leaky bladder.”
Unexpected morons in the packaging area
The Turning Point, Ben Shepard: “What time of year has the longest day of the year in the northern hemisphere in June?”
Ben Shepard: “Which European country is known in its native language as Deutschland?”
Ben Shepard: “What kind of bird is the Kinder Surprise chocolate treat usually sold as?”
Random irritations from the TV
BBC2’s South America presenter Simon Reeve slyly tries to blame Venezuela’s collapse on “US sanctions” rather than its hard-left government.
And BBC1 is covering Her Majesty’s Scottish Service. The Queen breaks down as “special guest” Lulu says: “And the third time I met her, I was with Chaka Khan and Anastasia.”
So if everyone could please stop asking Lulu about the first and second meeting with the Queen, that would be appreciated, thank you.
At some point during the BBC’s wonderful coverage of the week’s sad events, we’ve all probably been knocked sideways by the awful realization: “She’s gone.”
My own came during The Queen’s last journey from Balmoral to Aberdeen – a place I know well and love like nowhere else on Earth.
Yet it never looked more stunningly beautiful than it did on Sunday, packed with people from Royal Deeside, whose tribute was so characteristically dignified and quiet that it clearly surprised some members of the BBC’s Jane Hill team, who were used to much more ostentatious displays of grief, in the last time.
However, by honoring her in this way, they demonstrated not only why the Queen chose to live among kindred spirits, but why they loved and embraced this remarkable woman in return and ensure that her legacy lives on in Scotland forever.
Great sports ideas
PEP GUARDIOLA: “Haaland is a striker who cannot be bought. If you don’t pay.”
Jermaine Jenas at Spurs: “They turned up in Lisbon today and haven’t turned up.”
Paul Merson: “When Liverpool go, they go. Because when they click, they click.”
(Compiled by Graham Ray)
BIG TV lie and delusion of the moon.
Big Breakfast, AJ Odudu: “Our next guest is one of Britain’s funniest women. It’s a fun Rosie Jones.’
Celebrity MasterChef, Kitty Scott-Klaus: “I’m not just a pretty face.”
Celeb Cooking School by Sam Thompson: “I’m like chlamydia. You need to take so many pills to get rid of me.’
Because it is actually more like syphilis. Pain in the ass, who is in my head now.
The brilliant BBC2 documentary The Boys From Brazil: The Bolsonaro Rebellion, the best on TV at the moment.
Welcome to Wrexham on Disney+. House of the Dragon hits the ground running with its fourth episode on Sky Atlantic.
And the timely return of Mortimer and Whitehouse, who provided welcome relief after Friday’s events, explaining the science of barbecuing on BBC2’s Going Fishing: “No virus can survive above 60 degrees”.
View of the week
THIS week’s winner is EastEnders’ Sharon Watts and The Sweet’s Brian Connolly. Emailed from Valerie Bowler.
Image Research: AMY READING
STEPH’S Packed Lunch by Steph McGovern: “For the first time, the four highest government offices are not represented by a white person. That has to be good, right?”
Unless you’re just a different kind of fanatic?